.jumble 0f th0ughts.

i'm grumpy t0day. c0uldnt sleep last nite; even the tiniest bit 0f s0und managed t0 disturb my fitful sleep. i lay in bed, restless. i ended up sms-ing with a friend; discussing s0ngs, etc, n he t0ld me he wanted t0 be in penang s0 that he'd be cl0se t0 her grandm0ther t0 take care 0f her. he'd l0st his grandfather 0nly last yr (if i'm n0t mistaken) and his grandma isnt really well and all.. i finally drifted t0 sleep at 5 am. i w0ke up n saw everything in grey. the cl0uds. the sky. a grey m0rning. gl00my. n there was a msg 0n my hp. my friend was 0n his way t0 penang, his dear grandma has just passed away early this m0rn. everyb0dy always l0ses everyb0dy they l0ve. it was 0nly last night. 0nly last night. h0w c0uld things change 0vernight? changes. big 0nes. fear. it c0uld've happened t0 me. it c0uld've been me 0n my way h0me, n0t him. me. gl00my gl00my day. it's 3:25 pm, and it's been grey all day. i'm al0ne. i have t0 study f0r my test t0m0rr0w m0rning. test. i've g0t the test t0 think ab0ut. but that's n0t the 0nly thing 0n my mind. n0, it's n0t. i d0 a l0t 0f extra thinking t0day. despite the fact that i have t0 study. life's m0re than just a test. a test is n0t all there is t0 life. n0t all there is t0 MY life. there are m0re crucial things. but i still have t0 study . there's still the test. life is real. LIFE IS REAL. that's a slap acr0ss the face! reality. treat everyday as if it was y0ur last day, d0 everything y0u need t0 d0. what if it was y0ur last day? and y0u didnt d0 what y0u needed t0 d0. y0u'd be leaving regrets behind. regret. life's full 0f regrets. w0rthless life. meaningless life. "..i'm ashamed 0f my life because it's empty.." what if it was y0ur l0ved 0nes' last day? y0ur friend's? it c0uld've happened. things happen all the time. they are real. have t0 study. study. l0ve them while they're still ar0und. cherish them while y0u still have the time. "..i d0nt' kn0w h0w t0 let any0ne else in.." we never kn0w. we'll never kn0w. tragedy. sad. wasting time.

innalillah.. al-fatihah...

"trying t0 f0rget s0me0ne y0u've kn0wn l0ng, 0r s0me0ne y0u've kn0wn all y0ur life is like trying t0 remember s0me0ne y0u never knew. y0u kn0w, y0u can't f0rgive y0urself; y0u need the guilt. it's what keeps y0u g0ing..."
he said this t0 me last nite. i've figured 0ut half the meaning. haven't quite underst00d the wh0le thing. need t0 think. have t0 study. life g0es 0n...

"... 0n that m0rning.. when this life is 0ver.. i kn0w.. i'll see y0ur face.."

.gl00my.